Saturday, May 14, 2011
Desperate Households Series
Desperate Households Series
Written by Pastor Richard Pfeil of WCCPC
June 2008
Ephesians 4:29, 32; Romans 12:10, 16
Last week we continued a focus that we have had for the last six weeks, we took some breaks in between but we are going to try to finish up on the series. What we like to do as a pastoral staff is to identify where people’s needs are. Our mission as a team, as pastors, and as a church is to build people’s lives. We are not here to build a large church; we are simply here to build the lives that God has entrusted us with. In order to do that you need to identify where the struggles occur and speak words of truth and words of life to that. That is what we are trying to do.
So far we have dealt with desperation for rest (the need to slow down and catch our breath, build margin into our lives). We have talked about the desperation to survive parenting. Parenting is hard if you are going to really do a good job and do it right, it is difficult. It comes with some struggles. It is good for parents to just get together and talk about your struggles and what is working and not working, and just pray for each other’s children. Last week we talked about intimacy and the desperation for a sense of closeness in a relationship.
Today we are going to talk about marriage and building relationships, and dealing with conflict in any and all forms….conflict between married couples….conflict between church members…conflict within churches…conflict out in the community…conflict with co-workers….any form of conflict with your relationships…how you fight fairly.
Last week we gave you a 30-Day Challenge. Again, I am going to reiterate it is not about the physical relationship, it is about building a relationship with your spouse, or if you are single, a relationship with God. It is all about closeness in our relationships. To have closeness you need to spend time talking to each other. I love this phrase that comes from a counselor, “The quality of a relationship is the function of how well it meets the needs of the two people involved.” That is true of any relationship. The goal is mutuality.
This goes to the original intent of marriage. When Jesus dealt with divorce in his day, he took the people back to the original intent of God and why God created marriage. I want to bring us back to the original intent, not just of marriage, but to relationships themselves.
In Genesis 1:26-27 it says, “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.’ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”
Notice the mutuality of shared work. The New Testament version of this (in the sense of mutuality in relationships) is this in Romans 12:10 “Honor one another above yourselves.”
There is a reason why I created this message to follow the 30-day Challenge….because I anticipated something happening. When you start talking about relationships, specifically when you start talking personally (the level of talking that is described in the manual), as you unmask the silence in your relationship and really begin to talk again and talk about things very personal, it is easy to become hurt. When you become hurt, you begin to argue, fight, or (as some of you like to call it) negotiate. That is why we put this message right here, because we anticipated that when you begin to talk personally and share, and if you really take the 30-Day Challenge, it is going to require that you open up about things you have been suffering about silently because you really wanted to be nice to your spouse.
We just wanted to open up the conversation, but when that happens, there is a real possibility for fighting and being upset. That is the chemistry of marriage. Heat produces chemistry and chemistry creates growth. Last week I got a note from a young person that said, “Please pray for my parents. They are fighting.” When a pastor gets a note from a young person, it is really, really bad. They are fighting not in a constructive way, but in a destructive way. It really is an important need to talk about. This really is an important issue. There is real desperation in the home and real desperation in all relationships to communicate specifically, communicate when you are upset, and fight fairly.
This message is going to be a little bit different. It is going to begin here, but it is going to end outside this service. I am going to give you 4-5 important rules and will put 3 more on the website. If you can’t go online…I know a lot of people don’t have computers… it will also be in next week’s bulletin. You will get 5 today and 3…. either in the bulletin next week, that will complete it… or go on the website and get the PowerPoint from there.
There are two important things to remember about the art of negotiating.
1. It is part of every healthy relationship. Does anyone here never fight?
2. It can become unhealthy and destructive. Do you agree with that as well?
We are going to give 8 things you can do to take those conducts which can become unhealthy, destructive, and be experienced as selfish, and turn them from harmful fights into mutually satisfying negotiations that will help build and strengthen your relationships. Disagreements occur in every healthy relationship, the question is do you go to it in the spirit of negotiating fairly to resolve the issue, or do you go into the conflict with a sense of…I am going to score this point…I am going to win this argument. Do you go into it with a spirit of revenge, of control, or to say to the person, “See I told you so”? You will never win if you make marriage or any relationship a competition rather than a partnership.
Prayer…
Sometimes when I read the Bible it doesn’t sound like marriage is a partnership. When I read Genesis 2:18 says “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a suitable helper.’” A helper does not sound like a partner to me! It sounds like a doormat! The word “helper” is the same word used for the word “Holy Spirit,” which is literally “one called alongside to help.”
I also note that the part God took out of man was his rib…which is a sense of partnership. If she was a doormat… she would be from his feet.
The third thing is to think about the experience. God creates man and then creates Eve. God created this guy and then says he needs help, so he creates a woman.
Who does God put down in the story? Who is empowered? Being alone and lonely is not just a characteristic of being a guy or a woman. Everyone hates to be alone and needs companionship and fellowship. That is why it is good to be part of a local church.
The key verse for today is Romans 12:10, 16, “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other. Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all!” My wife would say that one applies to me!
8 Rules Whose Goal is to Make Relationships Mutual and as a Result Produce Harmony:
1) No name calling, no cursing, and no abusive language.
I know a lot of Christian people who in the heat of battle say some foul things to each other. It is demeaning to the image of God in which he created us. If physical touch is ever involved, it is a deal breaker - you have already lost the argument. Keep your hands off of each other. It is uncalled for, it is unnecessary, it is wrong, it violates the very image in which God created us, so keep your hands off of each other.
No name calling and no character assassination. It is always so amazing to me how polite we can be to total strangers or people at the office or our place or work, yet when we get home, to the people we love the most, we can also talk the foulest and the angriest, and be anything other then polite to each other. We should be the most polite to the people who are closest to us. Ephesians 4:29 says “Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”
When you are in a conflict situation, when you are having a disagreement with someone, are your words encouraging to the people who hear them? If you can’t control yourself and the language starts flying then shut down the argument. It is better for the argument to go unresolved, than to create greater harm. If anything, you don’t want to dig yourself into a bigger hole. Cool down until you are able to talk in a quiet and thoughtful manner. The most constructive thing you can do is to go and argue in a public place because you will control yourself there. You don’t want to embarrass yourself so you develop control.
The best communication skill builder that I know is to go to McDonald’s and to go to the drive through. What happens when you order? You talk, “I would like a cheeseburger, a large fry, and an orange shake.” What does the person do in response? They will say, “You want a…” In fact, they even have a screen with the exact words on it! How many times have you experienced an error in your order so you have to repeat the order? If we need to do that in order to get a combo meal, how much more important is it if we are going to talk to the people we love, especially to resolve big issues in our relationship? That is a good way of talking.
When you are arguing, you can’t be shouting all the time. You have got to listen to the other person and make sure they have got what you said. Sometimes when it is coupled with anger, they can’t get past your anger to hear what you are really saying. Let them do some talking, make sure they heard you, and have them repeat back what you are saying to make sure they really got what you said or not to make sure you are communicating. If you do that your conflicts will be better resolved and you will be communicating better then ever before.
2) Keep it private.
Never argue in front of your friends. I am so surprised how many spouses or friends will fight in front of others and demean their spouse or friend right in front of their closest friends or co-workers. It is unhealthy. It is also true with children. If you have healthy conflict and you have those little mild spats, little nips and snips, but you resolve it, or someone apologizes (you find some resolution) that is the stuff kids need to see, because when they see that, you teach them how to fight in a healthy way. But, if your conflict is a smash, bash, crash, yelling, screaming, fighting, hitting -.you need to keep it private because children cannot handle that kind of conflict. I have heard a lot of stories of kids who run into their bedrooms, who develop all kinds of phobias and fears as a result of all of that kind of stuff. Keep it private if that is the kind of fighting you do.
2 Peter 1:5-6 says “make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control” If you get really angry at a spouse, friend, or a church person it is usually a sign that you are taking yourself way too seriously. You need to lighten up a bit and laugh at yourself. That includes everybody.
3) Keep it present.
When you are in the middle of an argument don’t bring up past issues, past hurts, old grudges. Stay on point. Deal with that issue and that issue alone. You don’t add amendment to amendment to amendment, to where you don’t know what you were originally arguing about because you are arguing about four or five different things. Relationships are so complex you can’t deal with four or five different issues all at the same time, so keep it really simple and argue the issue itself. 1 Corinthians 13:5 is the love chapter. It says love “keeps no record of wrongs.” Work the conflict. Don’t attack the players in the relationship.
4) Have emotional integrity.
Say what you mean. Mean what you say. Has this ever happened to you? You come home. You say, “How was your day?” Clearly, there are dark clouds is the room. You ask, “Is anything wrong?” They say “Nothing! I am okay! Feeling fine.” Or (you don’t have to be married), you come to church. You are talking to someone, and they wave you off?
Own your feelings- be honest! Say, “I am angry at you! I don’t want to talk right now!” That is okay. But be honest with your emotions. Don’t make the person guess, because a lot of people will take you at your word and not pick up on your signals. Have emotional integrity. Do not lie to each other. Saying the opposite of what you are really feeling is a lie.
I will give you an example in my own relationship. My wife knows by now that when I come home and am critical of everything. – barking, irritable - I pick up on small things. I have three daughters (this is between us now), but these hair pieces…there are like a billion of them….and earrings…they leave them everywhere! My wife will say “Is everything okay” If I say yes, she will know that is a lie. Then she will say, “Are you mad at me or are you just venting?” Because there are times when you get angry and you are taking it out on the people at home but you are not angry at them. You are just venting because you had a bad day and things just went all wrong and you are just irritable. She got me because I was just venting.
Do you have to have an argument when the other person says so? There are some people who are conflict aggressors. They will aggressively pursue the relationship until they find out what is wrong so they can resolve it right then and there. The answer is no, you don’t have to resolve those right away. There are a lot of people who need time to process, who need time to get away. They are quieter people. They are conflict avoiders. They just need some space to think about what happened, to process things, to cool down, and to talk civilly. You don’t have to immediately have the discussion or negotiation, but you don’t want to delay it forever or put it into denial.
5) Have a goal in mind.
Know what you want before you start the argument. I have seen a lot of people have a very heated emotional debate and the friend or spouse will say, “What can I do to make it right?” The person has no answer. If you don’t know, how is the person going to know? How do you know if you’re actually resolving the issue? Know what you want before you have the argument.
I like a clean home. I always have. I just can’t get past it. For a long time it created all kinds of conflict. I would get all stressed out, I would blow up, get critical, she would get upset; I am on the couch for a day or two. And I finally got smart about the thing. I finally wizened up and said, “This style just isn’t working.”
It started kicking in that relationships needed to be a mutual thing and I am not resolving this so it’s mutually satisfying because it is not a big need in her life. I got to thinking how do I make this conflict go away so it is mutually satisfying? The simple answer was that if I am getting up tight about it, then I should participate in helping out. I started doing the things that I didn’t like and it was actually time effective because I would have spent a whole lot more time arguing and having this period of silence and wall of separation, and sometimes it got costly. It was expensive getting myself out of the doghouse! I would rather buy flowers than apologize! That is the most costly but sometimes the most necessary thing to do. I do more and it is not really as big of an issue as it used to be.
Fighting is a part of every relationship. It is not whether you fight or not that determines the success or failure of a relationship, it is really how you fight. It is specifically how you end your fight. Do you end it selfishly? Do you end it winning the point, but losing the relationship? Do you end it in a huff? Do you end it in a wall of silence? Do you end it resolved so that it is mutually satisfying to both parties? Let me reiterate the key verse, “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” If you do that you are going to have some wonderful, very strong relationships. And if we all do this as every member of a church, we will have a very strong and loving church. Let us pray.
Prayer…
[There are 3 more points emailed to the congregation]
6. Allow your spouse to retreat with dignity
“Instead, be kind to each other…” - Ephesians 4:29
Make a joke, apologize, extend an olive branch. You could win the argument but do a lot of damage, or you can choose to be humane to your spouse and strengthen the relationship. Again, what do you want out of the fight?
7. Let your intensity fit the issue
Every single disagreement is not an earth-shattering event. You don’t have to get mad every time you want to be right! If that is you, you need to lighten up, stop controlling, and take yourself less seriously. If you don’t you’ll be sorry!
8. Set a time limit!
Don’t let an argument drag on for days. If you aren’t finding a resolution, then agree to disagree and move on!
“Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.” Ephesians 4:26
A Final Note
Sometimes, especially when disagreements persist or you try to resolve and the other person doesn’t seem to know what they want, there are underlying causes that need to be dealt with first.
For example, I know of a person who screamed at her spouse every day and told him to leave repeatedly. When pressed on what she wanted she just got angrier.
The real issue was her fear of abandonment. Every man in her life left. So every argument became a test to see if her husband would also leave. With counseling the woman was set free from this fear.
I know in my own life I saw my parents cheat on each other. That has caused me not to trust women and has accentuated my need for honesty and full disclosure.
Everyone is broken in some area of their lives.
Identify those places and seek healing in them.
“If the Son has set you free you will be free indeed!” - John 8:36
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