Summer Special

Kids Bowl Free

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 We are going to switch gears now and focus on the home for the next six weeks.  Our title for the series is a little takeoff of the famous television series “Desperate Housewives.” I have never watched a single show; I found no redemptive value in it. By using the title I in no way endorse the show or encourage you to watch it.  We thought it would be a fun take off and spoof of the title “Desperate Housewives” to use the title “Desperate Households.”   It is going to be a fun series.

That the show is as popular as it is says something.  When I see a book on the National Best Sellers List for a while, it tells me something about that book.  It tells me that it is a good book that has touched a place in a lot of people’s hearts and they resonate or relate to it.  When you see a movie that has made over $100 million and been on the #1 list in the theatres every week for four or five weeks, you say “I have got to go see it!”  When I go into a town that I have never been to and I am hungry and want to go eat some place, what do I look for?   I look for a full parking lot!  It tells me the food is good!  People relate to it in a positive way! 

The same thing is true with “Desperate Housewives.”  Even though I have never watched the show, I have watched a lot of clips (in preparation for this message) and I think they should re-title it.  Rather than “Desperate Housewives,” call it “Miserable Housewives” because they are all miserable on the show. 

The show resonates with people, though.  They relate not so much with the exaggerated characters but with the situations and struggles of living in a fallen world.  In fact the opening sequence utilizes the scene of Adam and Eve and The Fall.   It really is a presentation of fallen-ness and looks at the home from a fallen perspective, which is something I want to undo. 

I want to look at the home from a redemptive perspective and bring God’s truth to the home.  However, 15.7 million watch the show on a weekly basis.  World-wide it is the number one show; 115-119 million people across the world watch it.  Why?  They resonate with the issues that are being tackled and there is a real desperation in people’s lives.  People are desperate in their marriages; they are desperate to find lasting love; they are desperate in their finances; in keeping their lives and sanity together. They are desperate to survive parenting, and they are desperate to maintain a Christian life. 

The next six weeks we are going to tackle 4 topics.  Today we are going to talk about desperate parenting.  We are desperate to survive parenting, not our kids, though it feels like that sometimes.  If you have a kid next to you give him a hug right now and let him know that you love him. 

We are going to look at desperate for rest, desperate for intimacy, and desperate in our marriages (where we look at how to strengthen our marriages). 

Today we are going to talk about parenting and look at Ephesians 6:1-4.

Film clip….

Some of you might be too young for this, but you are going to get older, and the time to learn about parenting is now.  A lot of you have finished your parenting. I know me. I am not a perfect parent; I don’t know a single parent that hasn’t made mistakes.  A wise Christian theologian, Bev Lamenzo, said “You never stop being a parent.”  All of us have made some mistakes so you can always go back undo some of the mistakes you made with your kids.  They do remember…trust me. 

Hearing some of what you are about to hear, you can be in prayer for our families.  Mark Cherry is the founder of the series.  He got his inspiration from Andrea Yates who killed her (5) children.  From the outside it looked like the perfect suburban home (like Wisteria Lane). How could this tragedy ever happen; and what other desperations exist behind the clean, neat, perfectly successful looking suburban homes?  What other desperations lie there; and as a church, how can we give aid, strength, and help to our homes before other tragedies occur?  Better than that, how do we impact our children for good and for God? 

We are going to look Ephesians 6:1-4. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise— ‘that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Prayer…

I am going to begin with “Fathers, do not exasperate your children.”    There is not enough time today to deal with all of the issues of parenting.  I went through them all in my head.   How do you raise fathers? How do you raise kids in the kindergarten years? How do you deal with discipline?  How do you pass on your faith?  There is a huge collage of issues that could be talked about, but we don’t have near time enough to do it. 

With that said what I encourage everyone to do when it come to parenting, is to learn everything you can.  Get good books, go to seminars, go to parenting class, go form a small group. Talk to your grandparents, talk to your parents, talk to each other- get into a small group with fellow parents and just bounce things off of each other. Talk about what works and doesn’t work with your children. 

It is ultimately out of our control.  We can guide them and mold them, but we can’t make them do anything.  There is a verse that I think is written especially for parents of teenagers.  The verse in Thessalonians 5:10 is just two words “Pray continually.”  You may not be able to impact them but God can impact their hearts and lives.  One of the problems I find personally in parenting is that there is no manual that comes with the kids.  In the delivery room an instruction book was not attached to their ankle!  There are general instructions in the Bible, but there is a lot that is not in there.  You puzzle in your head: I don’t know what that burp and gurgle mean. I don’t know how to change a diaper. I don’t know how to feed them or not feed them. I don’t know if I am developing their character.  Should I discipline them harshly or be lenient and gracious?  I am in a quandary as to know what to do.  How do you translate what you read in the Scripture to the specifics for my child? 

The reason I think there is no manual for parenting is because parenting is not a science, but an art from the heart.  A lot of parenting has to do with the character of who you are and is tailored to your specific child at his specific age in every specific situation.  That takes wisdom, patience, and it’s an art.  You have to feel your way in parenting, seeking God’s help and guidance. 

Let me start with the first phrase. What does   “Fathers, do not exasperate your children”   mean?   The word “exasperate” means to draw out deep-seated anger. It is not “parents don’t upset your children” because part of parenting is to upset them!  You have to say “No!”  You can’t spoil them.  You have to tailor and mold their behavior and sometimes they don’t like some of the things that we have to say and do.  Part of our job is to make them a little miserable. We love them.  I don’t care whose child you are, I know my children are always rolling their eyes at me for things that I say and policies that I have, saying, “No”.    It is because I love them and I want the best for them that (with the end in mind) I am developing who I believe God wants them to be, by His grace.  Part of parenting is making them upset. 

The word exasperate means do not draw out deep seated anger.  I have counseled a lot of kids, families, couples, and have done pre-marital counseling.  Part of counseling them for marriage is to talk about their childhood.  There are four things that will draw out deep-seated anger in young people.  These are angry violent kids who hate their parents.  The first one is absence; your absence from the home, your neglect of your children.  I saw this most clearly when I was a counselor at a boys’ group home.  This nice blonde-haired boy who was easy to get along with and cooperated well in the home, got a pass to go home.  When he came off of the weekend they dragged him in kicking and screaming and in handcuffs and gave him to me.  What brought out that rage in him?  The only weekend he was home for months - and his father was not there.  That is all he could say kicking and screaming, “Why wasn’t he there?”  Absence, neglect of children, enrages them!  I believe all of us have this imprint that we should be valued, loved, cared for; and when we are not, it is like they are saying, “I don’t care who you are!  You are not important to me!”  That brings out rage in kids.

 The second one is abuse.  I have talked to you and some of you have talked with me of what your parents did, whether it was over the top discipline, or incredible anger, physical abuse, emotional abuse, or sexual abuse.   That kills kids on the inside.  That is the most hidden problem in homes today, even Christian homes where the parents have so little energy because they are so tied up in life that they don’t have the defense mechanisms to control their anger. They get frustrated with the children and scream and yell, rather than talk to their kids. 

There is a lot of hidden lust due to pornography.  There are a lot of guys and women playing with this dangerous fire.  I went online and looked at the list of all the people who have been convicted of a sexual felony.  In every city and in every town there are red dots and there is rape everywhere.  In my old home back at Archer Place  within a one mile radius there are 19 people convicted of sexual (not people who are silently struggling) crimes. If you are silently struggling with your anger, or with sexual perversion of any kind, I can’t tell you enough the damage you can do.  You can’t play with that stuff.  You need to go and get help.  We will love you. It is part of the fallen-ness of humanity.   A lot of good people struggle with this stuff. 

The third thing that causes anger to come out in children is endless criticism -  endlessly being on them and on them and on them; always pointing out what is wrong, never saying what is right.  What is in the human person that we tend to see what is wrong and criticize it, rather than celebrating what is right?  What it does in children (and all of you can relate to this) is it makes you feel as if you can never do enough-you are never worthy enough.  You never get their approval.  You feel like you are never loved, and everyone needs to be loved.  Children need to be loved.The last one is selfishness. 

Parents who are so wrapped up in their life, their careers and their success and their need to have a down time and their need to relax and their need to get away and their need to educate themselves, etc, but they never have time for their kids.  Or if they do have time for the kids they parent in a way that, rather than seeking the good of their children, they are really seeking the good of themselves.  They do things that are convenient for them, but perhaps not right for their kids.  A lot of parents just drop their kids off at the mall, movie house, at a friend’s house knowing that the friend will entertain them, but not knowing what those friends are doing and how they are impacting their kids’ lives, all because of selfishness. 

I know a guy who had three daughters and every daughter is angry and dark.  Why?  Because every weekend he found time to go golfing.  Every weekend of his life he was out on the golf course and he never had time as a father to speak to his daughters.  That will enrage kids. 

We looked at the four big mistakes a parent can make that will instill anger in our kids.  Maybe you have made some of them or maybe you are tilting on the side of some of those.  I encourage you to work to undo them.  Undo them by doing their opposite.  Spending time with the kids rather than being absent.  Being good parents, kind parents rather than abusive.  Encourage and look at what’s right rather than what is wrong, and live sacrificially. 

You can’t do that, however, unless you have a redeemed heart.  As I watched “Desperate Housewives” I was surprised by how familiar they were to me because… that was my family.  That was the household I grew up in. My parents did a lot of things right but the biggest mistake they made is they just didn’t have a good heart. 

When I puzzled over what to say about parenting and looked at all of the potential issues I realized that every decision you make as a parent arises out of your character.  Every age, every period, every moment, every decision, every spot they come through, the decisions we make, challenges we face, the things that we do in response to our kids, all these things arises out of our character.  Good and awesome parenting requires certain traits such as love.  They need 80% statements of love and 20% criticism.  To be a good parent you have to sacrifice and have a kind heart.  You have to approach your kids from a sense of tenderness and kindness.  Patience, self-control, having their best interest in mind, consistency, support, and respect are important.

Parents hear this verse “Children, honor your parents.”   It is a whole lot to honor parents as kids if your parents are honorable people.  Honor comes from your character and who you are.  Are you an honorable person? 

All of this comes from what I call a redemptive heart, not a heart influenced by religion. I am not talking about religion because in the show there is a lot of religion.  The kind of religion I see in the show is a religion from the outside, religion at a distance.  What we need is faith on the inside, a relationship with God that transforms the heart and out of that transformation flows love, flows character, flows sacrifice, flows integrity, flows humility. It also cuts off and disables the flow of rage, anger, greed, and sexual perversions, and other forms of darkness, and evil thoughts.  All the positive traits and the negation of the negative behaviors flow from a redeemed heart. 

What’s a redeemed heart? Hebrews 6:4-5 gives me a picture of what a redeemed heart is.  It is a person who is “enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift” It means the Holy Spirit has entered their heart.  “..who have tasted the goodness of the word of God” Meaning, God’s word comes alive and he speaks to them through God’s word and they experience “the power” of God. 

Does that describe you?  Does that describe your life?  Have you been transformed on the inside so that out of you flows all of those qualities that are necessary to be a good parent?  Are you desperate in your life and in your household?  Are there secret struggles that you are battling in your life?   Do you want to be a good person….a better person….but you struggle with yourself?    You know what you need to do, but you don’t have the power to do it.  If that describes you then I encourage you to submit your life to God.  Surrender your heart to God.  Just tell God “I want to be a good parent.  I want to have a healthy household.  I want to have healthy children and a healthy marriage, but don’t have the power in me.  I need your strength.” 

 I want you to close your eyes in prayer and listen to these wonderful verses.  Isaiah 1:18 says “Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.”   Wisteria Lane is the picture of a perfect place on the outside, but on the inside there is incredible corruption.  Is that your heart? Is that your life?  You can make a change.  Jesus said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life.”   “I have come as a light to shine in a dark world, so that all who put their trust me will no longer remain in the dark.”  “For he has rescued us from the kingdom of darkness and transferred us into the Kingdom of his dear Son, who purchased our freedom and forgave our sins.” 

There is a tag line on the show, “Desperate Housewives” that you see right before the show begins that says “It is time to come clean.”   That is true for all of us.  It’s time to come clean before God.  It’s time to be honest and confess our errors and mistakes for the sake of our families and the sake of our nation.  “Though your sins be as scarlet they shall be as white as snow.”