Saturday, May 14, 2011
Desperate Households Series
Desperate Households Series
Written by Pastor Richard Pfeil of WCCPC
June 2008
Genesis 2:18, 22-25
Pastor Richard Pfeil:
Good morning! You are going to be glad that you came today! We have been dealing with issues within the family or home. We have been calling it Desperate Households. So far we have talked about Desperate to Survive Parenting. Can anyone relate to that? Parenting is tough. We have talked about Desperate for Rest. Do you resonate with that?
Today we are going to talk about marital relationships and in particular the desperation for intimacy within marital relationships. There is an indicator that says our couples are desperate for intimacy. It is an epidemic that is sweeping the nation. When I say the word sex I know some of you aren’t comfortable with the topic (I am going to make it comfortable in a second), but when we talk about sex, or sexless marriages, you and I know we are not talking about sex, are we? Sex is a barometer or a thermometer or a symptom of possibly an underlying problem or disease.
Just like with illnesses -number one, you must treat the symptom; but, number two, you have got to go deeper than the symptom to find the root cause. The root cause is the lack of intimacy and meaningful relationship in a couple’s life, and it is being revealed as a sexless marriage. So we are going to talk about that; so be clear that it is not about sex, it is about intimacy. Sex is not the problem, it is the symptom. Sex is not the proper foundation for marriage, but is a natural extension of a healthy marital relationship.
Why are we talking about this? First and foremost, the only reason we are talking about it is because sex was God’s idea. Agree or disagree? If it weren’t for God we wouldn’t have this topic to discuss. He created it, it was his idea; and our sexuality and sensuality begins and ends with God. The number one reason for being comfortable about this topic is (1) because it is his idea. It is not a secular topic. It is not a dirty topic. It is a religious topic and it is a holy topic for discussion. The second reason (2) is because God loves people and what hurts people, hurts God. The sexless-ness in marriage is causing devastation in our nation in that (1) it is a symptom of this problem in the distancing of relationship, and the farther and farther apart couples become, the more and more dysfunction is occurring in the home.
Couples aren’t experiencing all that God intends for marriage. A lot of marriages are merely business propositions, and couples are missing out on an intimate, loving relationship. It is fueling the pornography industry, which is ruining lots of people’s lives. It is causing people to be tempted to have affairs. When people have affairs it usually means the breakdown of marriages. Am I correct? When marriages break down, homes crumble. And when homes crumble, children do not do as well. The breakdown of the home is the leading cause of poverty in America, so we must address it.
When the church decided to get uncomfortable about a topic that God created, it created a vacuum in our culture. When you create a vacuum in a culture someone else will go and fill it. Who has filled the discussion on sex? The school system, Hugh Hefner, peers, peer groups, and television have filled the gap. As a result, as a nation we have it backwards. Our singles are having sex and our married couples are not, and that is a problem.
I bought a toaster and it came with a manual. The manual has all the do’s and don’ts in it. One of the things that it mentions is that you do not put the toaster in water. I don’t know anyone in their right mind who would put the toaster in water, but I guess people have and it has caused them to die as a result of not using common sense and not looking at the owner’s manual.
The same thing is true in the area of intimacy in a marriage relationship. We have it all backwards and are becoming dysfunctional because we have avoided the marriage manual and missed the manual for life itself in Genesis 2:18, 22-25. It provides the perfect context for marriage, of sex / intimacy.
Here is what it says, “Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. ‘At last!’ the man exclaimed. ‘This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’ This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.”
I love this picture of this couple in the garden because it sets the proper foundation for a marriage relationship. They are two people both working in the garden, yet their work does not consume all their time. They spend a portion of it in relationship to each other. Sometimes you have to get away to a garden-like place where there are no distractions in order to have time to spend with each other and develop your relationship.
If we honor God’s Word, there are three great reasons why we must deal with this topic. Is there anyone here who thinks they are too old for intimacy? Are you ever too old for intimacy? No! It is just as much a part of a retired person’s life as a young person’s life. I have just as much of a problem keeping my retirees sexually pure as I do my teenagers. There are just as many retired people living together as young people. We are just as easily tempted in our retired years as we are in our teenaged years so don’t tell me anyone is too old for this topic because we are not and we all deal with it.
Jody is going to address some of the symptoms of the loss of intimacy.
Pastor Jody Taualofai:
Richard and I decided to share this message today because ladies, if a guy gets up and talks about intimacy it’s because….he’s a guy…right? We didn’t want to do that. I have girlfriends between the ages of 30-50. We talk about this topic all the time like girlfriends can. There are a lot of my girlfriends who would like to be more intimate with their husbands, but their husbands are working like dogs. They are working very hard and they are very tired. That is one of the issues that they have to constantly address in their marriage.
Some of the causes as Pastor Richard said earlier… it is an epidemic. If you talk with marriage counselors and read some of the statistics we on the internet, the definition of the sexless marriage is being intimate less then 10 times a year. That is true of 20%. The number one reason people site is exhaustion. These are the DINS. The “double income - no sex” couples. They are too tired. They are exhausted when they come home. They are just not interested. 20-30% men and 30-50% of women say they have absolutely no sex drive anymore and they attribute it to exhaustion.
(2) The second reason they cite is busyness. They stopped being friends and lovers and started being moms and dads. Do you remember those times? Those are hard times because life is so busy. Competing activities compete for our times as couples. Things with our kids, things that we are interested in and that we enjoy doing, take up our time, and intimacy becomes less important than it was initially.
(3) Loss of focus. We forget why we married the person we married. We just forget because we are living life the way we are living life. Why did we get married? We lose sight in the day-to-day activities we are involved in. Sometimes, ladies, we forget to have fun. We are all business sometimes. I know my husband constantly wants me to have fun and I say, “I have to get some stuff done here.” We have to remember that we need to have fun sometimes.
(4) Lack of respect and trust for one another. The way that builds up in our life is that we don’t do our business of forgiving. When we have been hurt by our spouse we carry that around so that every time we see them we think of that hurt that we have received and we haven’t worked that through. Lack of trust and respect, and resentment can come by carrying a lack of forgiveness in our hearts.
Some of the more typical ones are unfaithfulness by a spouse, which can cause a lack of respect; and trust has to be built up. You notice your spouse looking around and not really admiring you like they use to. Sometimes it is just the way we talk to one another. Our words can be very hurtful and very painful. That is one of my problems. I have got to watch how I talk to my husband and keep my mouth shut sometimes.
(5) Cited in the statistics are health problems or physical issues or psychological issues that cause you to not be able to be intimate. Psychological issues and things that we carry from our childhood into our marriage need to be taken care of. And of course the commercials are on all the time talk about the sexual dysfunction that is out there. That is a growing epidemic because of the exhaustion and busyness.
Pornography is both a cause and a result of a lack of intimacy in marriage. That is a real big issue. Also, that the spouse isn’t meeting the ideal that you had for them to become as you grow together. Sexual addiction can also steal intimacy away. My kids ask me about sex all of the time. It comes across in the videos that they watch. My daughter asked me the other day what something was. I tried not to look shocked when she asked me this question.
As Pastor Richard and I were talking about this topic we struggled with whether we should talk about it. I want to tell you my kids need to hear what is right. Would they be embarrassed right now? Probably, but I can tell you they would still be glad to hear what it looks like… what it looks like to have a healthy intimate relationship in marriage that they are looking forward to. If you are not connected to the youth culture you have no idea what kind of thoughts these kids are thinking, and it is all about sex. We have got to give the message from the pulpit for them as well as to us. We can pretend that it is not happening out there and that the world is going to hell in a hand bag, but our youth need the Lord and they need a proper perspective of what this is.
Pastor Richard Pfeil:
The reality is a lot of people don’t want to talk about it but they are suffering secretly in their lives. What are the remedies? This comes from Dr. Phil:
5 Remedies
(1) It is not about sex, it is about intimacy. It is a natural extension of a relationship in which giving and receiving mutual support and comfort are common. If you want a good intimate relationship, it needs to be imbedded in a good over-all relationship.
(2) Sex or intimacy involves vulnerability. It is an act that can freely flow only with mental, emotional, and physical trust.
(3) It should not be forced. It should be just one more way of expressing mutuality, support, and caring. It can be the springboard for more thoughts and appreciative behaviors that brings into the next seeming spontaneous interaction.
(4) It is illogical for you to ignore your partner in the morning, bark at him or her during the day, argue in the evening, and to fall into each others arms romantically at night. Insensitivity, inattention and hostility make intimacy unnatural. If you want a rhythmic pattern of intimacy, then create a relational pattern that reflects the same intimate emotion.
(5) If everything with your partner seems to be flowing consistently, problems with sexual relationship may persist for different reasons. There are times when one or both partners become distracted and allow their interaction to slide down the priority scale. These couples have allowed a number of competing activities and circumstances to rob them of this very special intimate exchange. You must consciously commit to putting sex back into your life which again builds intimacy in your relationship.
We have a challenge for you and Jody is going to present that challenge. It has a snazzy title to catch your attention, but it is not about sex, it is about building a close relationship.
Pastor Jody:
If you are married, will you raise your hand because we have something for you? We are going to give you an orange booklet and a questionnaire. This is a married guide. A pastor down in Florida decided to do this 30 Day Sex Challenge because of all of the marital counseling he was doing. One of the reasons for the counseling was that marriages were falling apart from a lack of intimacy. As Pastor Richard said the challenge is about intimacy.
Richard and I know that if you are a widow or divorced, that this could be a painful topic for you because you miss the intimacy that you once had. There is a challenge for you as well, so raise your hand if you are single. As Richard was saying, our married couples are having a lack of intimacy and our singles are being very active. Part of the challenge for the singles, if you are living with someone, if you are being intimate with someone, the challenge is for you not to do that for 30 days. The reason for that is maybe your relationship got off on the wrong foot. Maybe your relationship got started on a physical basis and you need to take a step back and think about what real intimacy is. The media felt that that was really not good, but in our Christian heritage, premarital sex or any kind of physical intimacy outside of marriage is wrong.
If you would open up the first page (it is the same for both married and singles) it has 10 Emotional Needs Explained. For the married couples you have also been handed an Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Before you start the challenge both of you need to fill this out for yourself, both the women and the men. Your spouse may not know what your emotional needs are. You need to be specific. Let’s say that your emotional need is affection. You need to be specific in telling your spouse what that means to you. For some it might mean walking through the mall holding hands. For somebody else, it might be a little more intimate like cuddling, but you need to be specific and say what those emotional needs are. For the men, you need to be able to articulate what it is that you need and what does that look like.
One of the things on here is family commitment…what does that mean? I don’t want you to go to every family function I have, but I want you to go to at least these...whatever those needs are to you, and once you fill this out turn the next page and it has your married needs, you put the top two. If you need affection, how does that look for you? You put your spouse’s needs on the bottom, so that you both know what each of your top two emotional needs are.
If you are single, you fill out five top emotional needs and then down on the bottom you list your two emotional needs that repel you the most… I don’t need that, I don’t want that, that is not important to me. This book is designed to be a journal. It has a question on each day that you each need to read and think about and reflect on. That question and verse help you think about intimacy and what that means for you as a married couple; and as a single person what that might mean for you to refrain from being physically intimate with somebody before you need to be. Also what does true intimacy mean?
Our challenge to you is that you do this journal. Two months ago I was looking at this with my husband and said “Let’s do this” so we are going to make an effort to do this for our marriage and where we are at with our teenage daughters.
Pastor: Richard Pfeil
There is a third segment to this challenge: if you have been looking at pornography (and a lot of people are today) we are going to ask you to stop. Use the calendar in the back to check off one day at a time to stop, and hopefully after 30 days begin to wean yourself off of the stuff.
Another thing for singles, in order to have a happily married life you have to be a happy single person. Everything we have said here applies to the single life in this way- it applies to your relationship with God. The journal is intended to help develop the same intimate relationship with God, as God desires us to have with him. Marriage is the analogy for our relationship with God so as singles, as we develop that close relationship with God we ourselves experience the same benefits that you have in marriage.
Here are the benefits of a healthy marital relationship. All of research says that we live longer, healthier, more successful lives with better sex than the teenagers. It is about your relationship with God and you will experience the same thing. You will be happier, you will feel better, you will be more successful, all those things are true.
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